There’s a running joke that moms have approximately 2,847 tabs open and one of them is playing music – insert shrug and a tired smile. We’ve all heard it and probably even sent that meme to another mom with a LOL or #facts, but it’s a reality a lot of moms live with on the daily.  

French sociologist Monique Haicault coined the term “mental load” in her 1984 article when she compared the mental strain found in the work environment to the exhausting cognitive labor involved in managing household tasks.  She goes on to argue the mental load affects women more so than men (shocker).  Since then, professionals have spent countless hours discussing what that looks like and how it effects the female population in their relationships as well as the emotional, cognitive and physical effects that can develop.  

So, what contributes to the mental load?  The short answer is essentially anything and everything that contributes to the running of the household and its occupants.  As a mom, let’s add on child development specialist, educator, counselor, executive assistant and 24 other titles all managed within our brains.  It’s like that SpongeBob episode where his brain is filled with a bunch of mini-SpongeBob’s that handle specific tasks and at one point, it all ends up burning down and descending into chaos, but you know, you’re still functioning because you’re mom. 

The mental load means knowing shoe sizes in specific brands.  It looks like “making a note” to check our kids closets for the next seasons clothes to see if they’ll fit – spoiler alert: they outgrew those the minute last season was over. It’s planning meals, making shopping lists, and noticing when something seems slightly off with our kids and running through ANOTHER list of causes ranging from teething to growth spurts or if they’re getting sick…again.  We wonder if we’re spending enough time with each kid while noticing the messy kitchen.  We check in with our significant others to see how their day went as we fold another load of laundry. It’s never-ending chores that manage to multiply with every child we birth.  Doctor appointments to schedule or take said sick child to.  And all this is just a typical day in the life of a mom.  It’s a wonder why us moms look tired all the time!

 Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE this life.  I CHOSE this life. I live a BLESSED life. I’m also mentally exhausted and starting to wonder if I have undiagnosed ADD or if this is just part of motherhood.  It’s probably both, but that’s ok.  The secret?  I’m not doing this crazy life alone, and I’m not referring to my spouse (although he is a huge support and help).  I’m talking about my village.  It takes time and effort to cultivate but having a village makes all the difference. 

Sure, there are tips and tricks to make life more manageable, but sometimes just knowing you aren’t doing it alone makes all the difference.  My village looks like texting my best friend about the absolute dumpster fire of a day I’ve had and she replies, “Same girl, same” and then we press on.  We text that dumpster fire meme, but we also check on each other to make sure we really are ok and not on our way to a grippy sock vacation.  And in those dark moments where we’re hiding in our closet away from our sweet but whiney children? We call someone in our village and cry out our frustrations and exhaustion.  She answers on the 4^th ring because her children are also asking for their 3^rd snack of the afternoon and doesn’t try to solve our problems.  She simply holds space for us to feel and be.  And once that moment is done, we say thanks and she says always and we go about being mom once again.

The mental load can make motherhood harder, but we don’t always need a solution; we just need camaraderie.  Find your village and embrace it.  We were never designed to do this alone.